|Photo by Kevin Tomasello|
The holdiays were swift this year. Thanksgiving turkey leftovers gave way to the mad shopping "season." Before I knew it, Hannakah and Christmas flew in and out before my brain could take it all in. I was a terrible Scrooge this year: a whiney sourpuss. Tired of the commercialism, I was annoyed by cheesy sentiment. Utterly depressed, actually. As the year comes to a close, I tend to reflect on all my regrets then feel guilty and try to focus on all my blessings. There are many in each category.
The creative side of me loves the drama, the warmth, the sorrow, and the sweetness that comes from reflection on another year. Mourning people lost during the past years, I still have hope for the future. I still look forward to the next year: to new beginnings. As I age, I savor the present much more than I ever did when I was younger. The present is really all we ever have. Why not cherish every second? Because this is bullshit. It sounds great! I want so much to be "Zen," to take it all in stride. And I am grateful; quite blessed, indeed. I have a roof over my head. Fire in the woodstove to keep me warm. A husband who loves me. A wonderful, successful son. I have a book coming out in 2015: my dream! Who am I to whine? A devilish drudge, that's who. Although I need constant reminders, I hate to be told what to think. I have issues; I am working on them. Frightfully flawed, I am guilty of being caught up in the useless chaos of daily life. Minor annoyances irk me beyond reason as I allow myself to get stuck in the piddle in the middle. I ruminate on all the things I don't have, all the things I wish I had done differently, all the things I desire. As Brandi Carlile wrote so directly, "my mind is full of razors." If only I could cut these worries from my mind with them. So, here are my resolutions for the new year:
I plan to meditate, regularly, for real, every day. Rid myself of the "monkey mind" that steals my joy.
Let go--of all things that don't feed my soul, such as resentments and anger over stupid things.
Practice acts of kindness every day, starting with my own family. This is a tough one. I lash out my anger and destructive thoughts on those closest to me then I blame them. This is the ugly truth. Which brings me to my next resolution:
I will always tell the truth. I will try hard not to be cruel, but I will tell you the truth.
I will love the damaged little girl inside like she is my own child. I will care for her as the precious innocent that she is.
I apologize for the language, but the truth is, I swear like a sailor sometimes. If you are offended, I am truly sorry, cover your eyes. I am a woman, but not always a lady. I care with all my heart. An open heart can be quite graphic.
I wish you your best new year with all my bloody heart.